Thinking about my testimony.

Shortly after I got saved I learned to not give my testimony. In life I never do. My wife has even told me it's better not too, or at least not to fully give it. I wrote it out here (see link to right) and placed it for all to read fully expecting what has always been the typical response. That hasn't happened but I have recently heard, yet again, that the events in my life are not possible because "God does not work that way anymore". It has me thinking.

I never claim to see a "blinding light". I don't say I saw "Jesus". I remember one night in my life more fully than I can remember anything else that has ever happened to me. I'll never be able to fully articulate it. I have analyzed it a zillion times in my mind. I have even debated a couple times with people who told me it didn't or couldn't happen. I will never do that again.

My first wife was a HUGE Startrek fan. I have never liked the show. I pretty much despised it since I pretty much hated everything about our marriage. Captain John Luke Picard of the Starship Enterprise stood on some stairs in a dream I had. The stairs went nowhere, not clouds, not a "blinding light", not anything. I was only aware that they went out of sight. Like looking at a road going into the horizon. He was motioning me to join him.

I have never learned to swim. The stairs started from water. It was arctic water. I was struggling to jump from one piece of ice to the next to get to the stairs. I wasn't going to make it. Part of me was wondering why I wanted to. I hated this man. I missed a jump and plunged into the water. It was cold and black. I awoke terrified.

There was a presence in my room. I didn't see anyone. I didn't see anything. I just knew that somebody had been there and that the presence left which left me even more scared. I ran to the kitchen. I stood there fully aware that Jesus had just removed His calling from my life. I knew what it was going to be like to not feel God working around me anymore. I was not aware that God was working around me till I felt that it was gone.

I stood in the kitchen for a very long time. It was hell. I was dead. Death in the Bible is separation from God. I didn't know that then. What I knew is I was separated and that I had a choice. I could continue on and would always be separated or I could come to Jesus. It was Jesus who had been motioning to me in my dream. It was Jesus who had been in my room. It was Jesus who had withdrawn Himself. It was Jesus I must find!

People can say what they will. I know what I know and that's all that I know. I know it so strongly that once I got a whole bunch of God's Word in me I never once doubted I was saved in my rampage after my divorce. It was because I was saved I had to try so very hard to get wasted. Where before I did everything without much thought I now did everything in anger at God. Where before I thought I might want to die I now hoped to "accidentally" overdose or drink myself to death or stumble in front of a car or wreck my own or whatever....just as long as it wasn't suicide and Jesus took me home, which I KNEW He would do. But He didn't. I'm still alive.

The dream was not my only event though. After the dream I read the whole bible in about a week. I was reading it a second time and was in Proverbs somewhere when I knew I wanted something. I had already heard my dream wasn't possible. I knew the Word was so alive! Everything was blazing truth and I had this whole big, huge, understanding, that people were blowing off and I was so wanting something. I wanted proof. I wanted salvation. I wanted Jesus. I wanted God. I wanted truth. I wanted to know. I wanted everything and I wanted it right now. Right then. Right when I was reading instead of working. Right there hidden in the back of a warehouse. I wanted something to happen......and it did.

It is because of these two experiences that I stay silent when asked about my "salvation experience". There is two extremes in response and I don't like either. I don't know why Jesus worked this way in my life. I have questioned it to death and now I simply let it rest. I write here because I can. It's on my mind and it's my blog......that didn't come out right.....oh well, sorry.

I don't want to know why Jesus saved me the way He did. I don't want to debate it. I don't want to explain it. I know what I know and that's all that I know. Now I simply want to enjoy the gift that has been given me.

My relationship with Jesus is on an intimate level I can never explain. I have gotten angry with Him and tried to run. I have been so close I curled up in His arms. I have tried to ignore Him. I have tried to absorb Him. I have gone without talking to Him and then I feel like I am always talking to Him, after all, He knows my every thought. I am always aware of Him around me. I have a peace that drives my wife crazy. I can't be bothered with my past anymore. I don't even know how to worry about tomorrow. I feel infinitely bad about sins in my life and yet I know they have already been forgiven. My relationship with Jesus is as complex and personal as any I have with my mom, dad, wife, and/or anyone. I often see how I abuse Him as I have those I have loved. I know there is a purpose for me. It is in that purpose I find a possible reason for the way Jesus dramatically entered my life. Maybe it was so that I would never ever waiver in my faith. I have fell in a great many ways but I have never once ever even come remotely close to doubting I'm saved and that Jesus is here and He is real and He loves me and YOU and nothing that you or I or anybody or anything can ever say or do will ever change that.

THANK YOU JESUS! I think I might cry.......