Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Why I Haven't Written

The reason I started writing here was because I am exploding with stuff to say about the Word of God. That, and I wanted to convince myself that life isn't all that bad. Well, I'm still exploding with stuff to say about the Word of God but life is bad and it's been getting worse.

I simply can not sit down here and write hope filled messages when I feel pretty much without hope. I can not continue the study of Ecclesiastes when in reality I envy Solomon. I wish I could know that I am not one paycheck away from being homeless with student loans, my ex, and eventually the IRS doing there very best to make sure I don't bring home any paycheck at all.

I currently have 312$ a month removed for child support. That's all fine and dandy. I accept it. My ex absconded my daughter and after 2 years claimed I abandoned her, took me to court, forced me out of her life, adopted her to some other man, and won all the child support I didn't pay for the time she was missing. That's 10,000$ left to pay. FINE! It's the consequences of sin.

The IRS says I don't make enough money to pay them the 6000$ dollars my ex stuck on me when she changed our filings and lost the earned income tax credit the last year we were together. FINE! I agree. I don't make enough money to pay that debt, but I would like too and be done with it.

I tried to better myself at one point in my life and went to school to be a welder. I graduated with two welding certificates but nothing really ever came of it. NEVER GET A STUDENT LOAN!!! They are impossible to repay. In any case, unlike the IRS, student loans thinks I make plenty of money. So much so they decided they would help themselves to 181$ a month. FINE! I owe it. I should pay it.

Now if God would simply tell me how I'm going to do it all? I have some ideas but it seems God does not want me to accept my responsibility and pay these debts off. It seems he would rather watch us go under as my marriage crumbles under the burden of "my past.

Oh but Michael, Have you been tithing?

Um.........NO! Show me how!

Well, Have you been going to church?

Ummmmmmm.....NO! I don't feel like making nice with the 3 life long dedicated old women I can't relate too that attend our church.

Well have you at least prayed then?

YES! They bounce off the ceiling.

Are you in sin?

Probably......I probably sin on a by the moment basis in my head.

Well then how can God help you?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT GOD WAS ALL ABOUT! Ya know, unconditional love, can't earn His favor, all forgiving......helps those who can't help themselves......all that jazz.

It's not like I don't have a plan. If I could borrow 15000$ dollars I could pay student loans off and my ex and then apply the 312$ a month that she was getting to the loan and pay it off in 4 years and be debt free by the time I'm 42.

What about the IRS? Well, they will seize the next couple income tax returns since student loans won't be able to seize them anymore and my ex won't be in line for them. The IRS is the only people making any sense. "Mr. Pendleton, You don't make enough money to pay us!".

Ding Ding Ding! That is the correct answer!

I imagine they will take a cut pretty soon.

But you know what? Nobody is going to give me a loan. No one anywhere at any time is going to accept me for a loan. I have tried. I can't get one. I have bad credit from...guess what? Defaulted student loans!

Never had a credit card. Never bought anything on credit ever till this marriage and the only reason we have the two things we have on credit, a car and a TV, is because they are in my mother -in-laws name.

In any case, my life is crumbling. I can't pay everything and we are going under. My marriage is crumbling. Everything is falling apart and I simply do not feel like writing anymore. Pretty soon the interenet will be turned off anyways.