I feel as though I am coming out of a drought of sorts. I have been asking Jesus to help me in checking myself out as I said in the previous post. Here is what I have found that I am willing to share.
I found I have a great deal of animosity built up in me. My wives son has been living with us almost a year. He is 16, over 6 feet, 270 pounds. He does nothing. He doesn't go to school. He doesn't work. He doesn't pick up after himself. He doesn't have chores. He stays up all night and sleeps all day. I have a great deal of animosity built up in me.
I have road rage. My wife made me aware of this. I usually drive by myself and have never given much thought to it. After my wife made a comment I have been more aware of it and she is right. I have road rage.
I get bored at church. I am certain that this is probably not right but it is true none the less. I am way more enthused about going to my seminary extension classes than church.
I am probably hard on myself. I feel like I fail God way more than I am used by Him. Out of this self defeating position I have taken on myself my prayer life has dwindled which is the next thing.
I don't pray much. Sure, I talk to God but I don't ask for anything. I don't pray for other people very often. Most of my prayers are prayers to ask God to help me to pray. I seem to be stuck in a loop. I want to pray, nothing comes out. I want to pray with my wife, I just don't. This is the most troublesome thing to me as I am sure much of what I am finding about myself could be taken care of through prayer.
I feel stuck in my walk. I want to move forward yet I find myself saying I am not even faithful in the little things so how can I expect to move forward? I would love to get ordained. I see men of God I greatly respect and I want that. I want to be used of God like that. The Lord knows that is the one area I don't falter in. I study my bible. I have a desire to serve. I could babble on and on in this one topic but I won't.
Out of the desire to get ordained I find discouragement. I have tried to make myself available to preach, teach, and otherwise serve. I have called people that need people to preach at old folks homes. It hasn't worked out. I have expressed my desires with my pastor. It hasn't really worked out. I am going to these seminary extension classes. I'm not sure where they are going....other than I really like them. It seems that the messages I preach when I have are discouraging because I call sin sin and "people just don't want to hear that".
I have given much thought about whether I am in the will of God at this time in my life or not. It's not like God doesn't know all this that I am writing. I write here and some people get blessed and I wonder if God would use me like that if I was not in right standing with Him.
It is a big decision to put this out in the open like this. I try an be transparent in everything, especially here at my blog since I want to help, encourage, and otherwise affect you who come here. I think the best way to do that is to be honest. I simply cannot be the only person who hits areas of their walk with Jesus where they are like, "what is going on here?".
I appreciate any comments and or suggestions but what I would appreciate most is your prayers........maybe I'm the brink of something big. I have felt this way before other steps of maturity in Christ.
5 comments:
Hang in there, Michael. It has been my experience that the times of frustration were actually periods of growth in my Christian walk.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
I'm sorry that you are feeling "down" Michael. Things will get better. They always do and you know that. Love, Mom
Hey, Michael, don't get discouraged. Every Christian will face times like these. Often they are actually God's way of pointing out areas of our life in which He wants to work. Just keep praying through this and God will show you what it is He wants.
God bless. See you tomorrow night. I can be there a little early if you need to talk, just drop me an e-mail and let me know.
Michael,
You have received good advice from Cameron and Gordon.
Let me assure you that you are not the only one who goes through these trials.
The view from the mountain tops of life are great, but no growth takes place up there. It is down in the valleys where the fertile soil is where the fruit grows.
Great transparent post Michael!
Our journey is one of the heart where we are freed from the bondage of sin and legalism.
My advice is to ... with everything in you ... contend for your heart ... do not let your head rule over your heart. A lot of depression comes when our lives are not going the way that our head thinks that it should go. Faith is of the heart and not the head. When we trust God with all of our hearts and we don't lean on our cerebral understanding life makes a bit more sense - to our hearts but not to our heads.
The stuff that Jesus addresses in the sermon on the mount will never make sense to the head because He goes past the head and hits the heart of issues as well as the heart of man.
Living from your heart is different than living from your head ... it is riskier ... it is a place where you are not in control ... it is a place of connection with your beautiful regenerate heart ... it is a place of freedom.
Grace to you brother.
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