The reason I started writing here was because I am exploding with stuff to say about the Word of God. That, and I wanted to convince myself that life isn't all that bad. Well, I'm still exploding with stuff to say about the Word of God but life is bad and it's been getting worse.
I simply can not sit down here and write hope filled messages when I feel pretty much without hope. I can not continue the study of Ecclesiastes when in reality I envy Solomon. I wish I could know that I am not one paycheck away from being homeless with student loans, my ex, and eventually the IRS doing there very best to make sure I don't bring home any paycheck at all.
I currently have 312$ a month removed for child support. That's all fine and dandy. I accept it. My ex absconded my daughter and after 2 years claimed I abandoned her, took me to court, forced me out of her life, adopted her to some other man, and won all the child support I didn't pay for the time she was missing. That's 10,000$ left to pay. FINE! It's the consequences of sin.
The IRS says I don't make enough money to pay them the 6000$ dollars my ex stuck on me when she changed our filings and lost the earned income tax credit the last year we were together. FINE! I agree. I don't make enough money to pay that debt, but I would like too and be done with it.
I tried to better myself at one point in my life and went to school to be a welder. I graduated with two welding certificates but nothing really ever came of it. NEVER GET A STUDENT LOAN!!! They are impossible to repay. In any case, unlike the IRS, student loans thinks I make plenty of money. So much so they decided they would help themselves to 181$ a month. FINE! I owe it. I should pay it.
Now if God would simply tell me how I'm going to do it all? I have some ideas but it seems God does not want me to accept my responsibility and pay these debts off. It seems he would rather watch us go under as my marriage crumbles under the burden of "my past.
Oh but Michael, Have you been tithing?
Um.........NO! Show me how!
Well, Have you been going to church?
Ummmmmmm.....NO! I don't feel like making nice with the 3 life long dedicated old women I can't relate too that attend our church.
Well have you at least prayed then?
YES! They bounce off the ceiling.
Are you in sin?
Probably......I probably sin on a by the moment basis in my head.
Well then how can God help you?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT GOD WAS ALL ABOUT! Ya know, unconditional love, can't earn His favor, all forgiving......helps those who can't help themselves......all that jazz.
It's not like I don't have a plan. If I could borrow 15000$ dollars I could pay student loans off and my ex and then apply the 312$ a month that she was getting to the loan and pay it off in 4 years and be debt free by the time I'm 42.
What about the IRS? Well, they will seize the next couple income tax returns since student loans won't be able to seize them anymore and my ex won't be in line for them. The IRS is the only people making any sense. "Mr. Pendleton, You don't make enough money to pay us!".
Ding Ding Ding! That is the correct answer!
I imagine they will take a cut pretty soon.
But you know what? Nobody is going to give me a loan. No one anywhere at any time is going to accept me for a loan. I have tried. I can't get one. I have bad credit from...guess what? Defaulted student loans!
Never had a credit card. Never bought anything on credit ever till this marriage and the only reason we have the two things we have on credit, a car and a TV, is because they are in my mother -in-laws name.
In any case, my life is crumbling. I can't pay everything and we are going under. My marriage is crumbling. Everything is falling apart and I simply do not feel like writing anymore. Pretty soon the interenet will be turned off anyways.
10 comments:
Michael,
Please don't give up.
Every each one of us has own struggle in life. Trials may come anytime that we don't know and not knowing to expect when they are coming.
Since, while we're living with faith in Christ. We never lose hope. God gave us promises for an eternal blessings, and eternal life to those who have trusted Him.
Remember Job, he is a good example, even he struggled during his journey and he never gave up.
So hold on to that faith you have like Job. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
1 John 3:3 And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure.
You always have my prayers.
Colossians 1:5 For the hope which is laid up for you in heaven, whereof ye heard before in the word of the truth of the gospel;
Michael, there isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said, but know that your name is being called before the throne of God.
Hang in there, buddy.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT GOD WAS ALL ABOUT.
No.
God is about the Sovereign Creator of the universe who has established fellowship with us through His Son's death, burrial and resurrection and His Word.
It is not His job to "get us through life's trials." He is not our majic genie of the lamp who cleans up all of our messes (I've been right where you are: divorce, lost kids, bankruptcy, lived in a one-room, spider-infested dump, and no job.)
When I gave up and said, "Not my will, but Thine" from the depth of my being, He began the process of bringing me back from the dispair and into the glory of His light.
It has taken 22 years, but here I am, serving Him, living in a decent home, with a wonderful wife and two pugs.
I just have enough to get by, but I have enough to get by reasonably.
There is GREAT HOPE in totally yielding to Him.
He will lead you to work hard, really hard (I had to work three jobs for eight years to recover from my mess...and He gave me the strength and perserverence to do it).
He will lead you to live with integrity in Him and toward others.
He will lead you to laugh, love and find great joy in Christ.
He will not drop money from the sky, but He will provide.
Keep the faith, stay the course.
There is light at the end of the darkness.
We are praying for you.
As Gordon says, "hang in there!"
Michael,
Glad to see you writing again. Sorry about the way things are. I do know the feeling though, especially concerning the debt. It is burdensome, and quite a load to bear.
Whatever you do don't give up on God's grace and provision. This is the time you learn to trust Him. This is the time of testing; the testing of your faith.
I have no other answer for you.
There is a question I do want to ask you though, If when you die and go to heaven, and there is only Jesus, and no one else, and nothing else, would you be content?
If Jesus is all you have, Here: then, you have all you need.
Michael,
I will be, and I am praying for you, and your family.
May God bless you.
God isn't about an easy ride, just look at Job.
You probably dont want to hear another "I feel your pain, one time I had it so bad..." or similar story so I wont give you one.
My prayer is for your marriage, your family, your debts, and your own peace. I dont know why you are having these trials but the Word tells us to hang on to Him, be rooted in His Word, and rely solely on Him, even and especially when we dont feel like it. It's easy to be thankful when everything is just peachy. Life cirtainly is not always peachy.
I will miss your writings, and I was blessed by them. It is the right decision to step back, for a while or permanantly, if you can't write about scripture now without bitterness.
I pray you will still be immersed in the Word prayerfully for you own walk though.
Take care, you are in my prayers.
MDM
Dear Michael,
Your post reminded of this excerpt from my booklet on pain ...
I sat at breakfast, opposite my friend, one day and John spoke to me, weeping, of how hard family life had been for him lately. He was experiencing marital problems as well as issues with his children. As he was speaking to me the Holy Spirit gave me something to say … which was good because I had nothing to say that could help him in any way. I began by asking him a question. I said "Do you know how much God loves your family"? I continued "Do you know how much God loves your wife"? "Do you know how much God loves your kids"? He sat kind of perplexed. I told him that God loved his family so much that He sent John, a mature experienced believer, into their lives … He didn't send a rookie when a veteran was needed.
I have found that it is in the crucible of (family and financial) pain that we are pressed into the image of Jesus. I HATE THAT! I can't stand that God has had to use pain to change me ... it is humbling and extremely difficult ... I had hoped that God and I were on better terms than this ... couldn't He deal with me in a (seemingly) kinder way?
In retrospect I have to say that I still hate the ways that God used to change me but I look back and see God's fingerprints in my trials and in my pain. Pain has changed me and caused me to be a different man ... a different father ... a different husband ... a different believer. I have learned to love in a way that I never knew that I could.
So, Michael, I charge you to remember three things:
1) You are a gift to your family - God didn't send a rookie ... he sent a mature man of faith.
2) Let pain change you for the better ... let God use it to tenderize and not harden your heart.
3) Learn to live a transparent and vulnerable life ... living from your beautiful new heart.
I believe in you Michael. I believe that you will come out of this better than when you went in. I believe that you will help many on the way. Keep believing dear brother.
Love, Bob
Hey, Michael, just dropped by to see how things are going. Praying for you, buddy. Hang in there.
Lord, Michael....
that's my only prayer for you...He knows all...
lifting your name to HIm....
I don't see the comment I posted earlier... maybe I didn't tye the wrod verification right and didn't notice before leaving.
I have been praying for your for some time. I prayed for you today. My wife has prayed also.
Let me know if there is something specific I can pray for and I will.
I wish I had the money to help you out of this.
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